I don’t like most of my Facebook friends

 

I don’t like most of my Facebook friends.  I really don’t.  I was going through the list yesterday – a fairly impressive collection of 781 friends and counting – and I would go as far as to say I’m not a fan of at least 400 of them. I can’t de-friend them for a host of reasons.  I am professionally linked to a few of the people I don’t like, and I really think it would affect our professional relationship.  I can’t de-friend ex-boyfriends, because that looks bitter…and I’m totally not bitter that they’re still with the girls they left me for.  (Not bitter at all.  Sent them a wedding gift. Totes not bitter).  There were some really tough girls from my high school that requested my friendship when they discovered Facebook in 2008…and I’m just afraid if I de-friend them they’ll bar fight me when I go home for Christmas.  And the list goes on.

I have an entire section of cry for helpers.  When on earth did I become friends with so many weak whiney chicks?  The status updates make me want to chase a quaalude with some meth.  I mean really. One girl who’s relationship is like napalm has had the following update:  “hate jan-november…….its freaking baseball time and it sucks.”  Uhhh…so you are happy only in the month of December?  Nope: “i just found out that my so called bf misses his hs gf/screw buddies/female friends……………and hes soooo glad they are on fb finding him. my life………”(December 30, 2009 at 8:46am) “sometimes when things get tough i feel like im all alone with no where to turn…..i just want an easy life………….” (December 27, 2009 at 11:33am) “stressed….wanting anew life.”( December 23, 2009 at 5:48am) “blah and so sick of life………is this year over yet? just want to start a fresh new year…………” )December 12, 2009 at 10:24pm).  For the record – this is someone who has a job, a boyfriend, 500+ friends and regularly posts pictures of fun nights out in Boston…this chick needs to be deported to a war torn developing nation for a month so when she comes back she can STOP BITCHING ABOUT HER FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!  Can’t de-friend them though because (see above) I’m not going to be the one that pushes them off the ledge.

Recently I’ve become friends with many Mommy Overshares, or rather many of my friends have transformed into Mommy Overshares.  I don’t want to hear about your kid’s fever.  Yawn central. Adorable child pictures: fine. Day by day updates on the journey of that quarter your kid swallowed: not ok. I can’t de-friend them though because it’s clear by the number of times they update each day that they have enough time to spend on Facebook that they would notice a missing friend and research until they found out who it was.

Then there’s the people that use Facebook as a promotional tool.  My God.  One guy somehow figured out a way through Facebook to get a DAILY meeting reminder into my work Outlook “Request Mike Posner on the radio today!!!”  I like Mike Posner…but my Outlook is sacred.  I have some form of OCD that specifically relates to Outlook; I have a feeling of shame if I don’t complete all Outlook tasks or make it to all meetings and events scheduled in Outlook.  I don’t do anything unless Outlook tells me to do it. I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold Outlook sweat regarding Mike Posner all thanks to THAT guy. I can’t de-friend this guy because…actually fuck it.  You fucked with my Outlook calendar.  You are out sir.

My mom doesn’t really understand “the facebook thing,” but she always says “the more the merrier!”   If she had met half these people I think she’d take that back.  That said, I’m on a quest for 1,000 friends because I think Mark Zuckerberg sends out a t-shirt or something when you reach said milestone.

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