Can I replace exercise with sex?

It’s officially summer in LA, and the time to sleep in and be a normal weight is therefore officially over.  It’s time to eat weird macrobiotic food (that used to just be called “vegetables”), exercise weird amounts, and head to pool parties where weird guests bring weird snacks (“I swear, lettuce tastes SO much better than chips…especially after festering in the sun.”).  We didn’t move here to wear sweaters and be normal, right?

In light of all this, I signed up for spin class on Saturday morning.  Early…way early. Waking up is a daily challenge, but it was free, and free goods and services are amongst my very favorite things in life. Free goods and services, Votivo red currant candles, double coupons, chocolate and…

Oh no! Sex! Sex is one of my very favorite things in life too! What if I want to have sex on Saturday morning? I strongly anticipate wanting to have sex on Saturday morning.  That’s what you DO on Saturday morning. Some people GTL on Saturdays.  I ASB (Advil, Sex, Brunch).

This conundrum lead me to wonder about the health benefits of sex.  That’s right, I couldn’t help but wonder about something related to sex.  Fine.  I had a Carrie Bradshaw moment (I begrudgingly admit that we have more in common than just mediocre fictional columns). At least I didn’t add an unnecessary and terrible pun…and just know I was thinking of at least 5.*

Anyway – is it possible to stop exercising and just have sex?

Sigh. No. Not at all.  I looked into it.  Spin class burns 600 calories/hour, running burns 600 calories/hour, Bar method burns  450 calories/hour, brisk walking 300/hour…and then there’s sex. Even “Vigorous effort” sex only burns 89 calories/hour – and the website was kind enough to point out that this is a third of a Starbucks latte…and that’s if you burn the full hours worth.  (Note: from this same website, I found a subset of sex called “passive sex” which was defined as “light effort.” I don’t really understand what this means entirely, and I’m quite sure I never want to know.  “Passive sex” doesn’t even sound consensual.)

So there it is.  No.  It is not possible to replace exercise with sex. That’s why porn stars have gym memberships.

*1.) I couldn’t help but wonder: could I use my burning desire to burn calories? 2.) I couldn’t’ help but wonder: could I skip spinning and just saddle up…in the sack? 3.) I couldn’t help but wonder: was it time to Get Physical? 4.) I couldn’t help but wonder:  was Kama Sutra the new Pilates? 5.) I couldn’t help but wonder: Is my mom reading this?

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