How can I indicate that the child I’m holding in facebook pictures is not mine?

Fact: If you post pictures of yourself holding a baby without proper captions, everyone is going to assume said child is yours.  This, of course, doesn’t apply to close friends, who have seen you downing booze and smoking cigarettes for the past nine months, but to the other 700 Facebook friends who you see less often, you are a parent.  This is to be avoided.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m cool with babies. I don’t want one anytime soon (it’s bikini season), but sometimes when I’m having a rough day at the office those two beautiful words “Maternity leave” wind up my stalled biological clock a little.  My problem isn’t with babies, it’s with the socially awkward interactions that could result from falsely thinking someone else has a baby.  Such as:

Me: “Wow, you look great!”

Non-mommy “Uhh…thanks!”

Me: “It almost looks like you weren’t just pregnant!”

Non-mommy: “Almost?”

Or God forbid:

High school friend: “Must be nice to be able to drink wine again, huh?”

Me: “Oh my God absoLUTEly. It was a long day yesterday without it.”

High school friend: “Well and then the last nine months.”

Me:  “Nine months without wine?  Bitch you crazy!”

High school friend: “But…your baby!”

Me: “I have GOT to stop wearing empire waist.”

I get it.  Babies are adorable.  They are super in style this season, what with that Focus Features documentary, and all those girls on E! effortlessly popping out spawn.  They even cover up trouble areas at the beach.   Every picture looks just a little better when it includes a baby. Babies are great. But pictures with a baby that is not yours is an awkward interaction waiting to happen.

While I have yet to come up with an international symbol for “I’m wearing this ironically,” there’s a quick fix to the Facebook pictures with babies confusion. Templates below.

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2 Responses to “How can I indicate that the child I’m holding in facebook pictures is not mine?”

  1. George Says:

    Brilliant! Just pure brilliance…I think about this all the time when I’m on the FB…and did anyone even see that Babies movie…the trailer scared me…especially when that goat or gazzle tried to eat that babie out of the window!

  2. George Says:

    how did i just spell baby…babie…I should have said bebe…OK…I love this blog and will keep reading it…bebe!

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