Why weren’t Spencer and Heidi on The Hills last night?

So I obviously don’t watch The Hills.  It’s weird and scripted and fake and who would watch that, right?

So, to quote OJ Simpson, “If I did it…”

…I would be really concerned about the notable absence of Heidi and Spencer last night! OMG, right? Right?  So, on last week’s episode, it became clear that acting was no longer involved, and Spencer is really into crystals…which is not so veiled code for Crystal meth.  Heidi is probably addicted to pain killers from her massive Barbie surgery (you work it girl!).  In any case, other than when they go out to Hollywood Hotspot Voyeur, Spencer has taken Heidi off the grid, or off the matrix, or whichever sounds craziest.  He’s also called her mom a vagina, and has protected the house from bad spirits, ShePratts and Montags with an un-sane amount of crystals.  Those crazy kids.

No, but seriously.  Those CRAZY kids.

Anyway, Kristen, Stephanie, Holly, Audrina and Lo all had this mid-afternoon meeting with wine (I loves the way you roll girls!) about how Spencer and Heidi are legit crazy, and how they were going to cut them out of their lives.  I was fine with this.  Your life, your decision.

But I’m not fine with them being cut out of my life!  They weren’t on the show ONCE last night! They’re not even on scenes for next week’s episode!  You’re all but ruining the best half hour of television in that timeslot on MTV!  If I knew that’s what they meant by “cut them out of our lives” I would have called right into The Hills after show and spoken my piece on the matter.

It’s too late for The Hills after show, but it’s not too late for me to make an open plea to MTV, Liz Gately and Adam DiVello to bring them back!  I’ve sited my top 3 reasons below.  Please help.

1.)    For the first time, EVER, on an MTV “reality” show, you have actual crazy people.  Not crazy acting people, but people that have lost touch with reality due to a cocktail of recreational drugs, fame and plastic surgery.  The only thing crazier than Spencer and Heidi are the people who chose to take them off the show.

2.)    Enzo!  I have reason to believe Heidi has legitimately kidnapped that child.  You didn’t see his parents at his birthday party, did you?  He’s probably still stuck on that elephant.  MTV: you have a moral obligation to check in on him.

3.)    The promotional tie-ins!  Do you know how much more money you could milk from this show if you sold Spencer Pratt-blessed crystals?  Consider me your first customer.  You bitches didn’t listen to me when I suggested Lauren Conrad designed Perfect Tear Mascara, and now look what’s happened.  Holly Montag’s face, that’s what.

Sigh.  Please bring them back. Please.

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