What is the worst and most possible way to die today?

I would say either zombie attack or biological warfare.  But that’s every day.  Let me rephrase.

Now typically the answer to this would be by way of a homeless heroin addict’s rusty knife or incredulous brain explosion over the “no seriously, skid row is a really up and coming area for a trendy loft” explanation for why the fuck we must leave Hollywood to go to the Edison, but today is worse.  Much, much worse.

Today there is a very strong chance of getting trampled by tweens in downtown LA, as the world premiere of that new vampire movie invades the city center.  People have actually set up tents (yes, those weird canvas or nylon things without showers) so they could hang out for days in anticipation of the Twilight: Eclipse cast arriving at the premiere tonight.  No, seriously:

What a terrible way to die.  Not only being crushed by the masses, but to have the last sounds you hear be the squeals of vampire-crazed teeny-boppers as they rush the red carpet for…oh never mind that’s not Robert Pattinson it’s just some guy with big hair.  Back to fan fiction!

So…how do these fans see this playing out, exactly?  I imagine the idea is to have a chance to meet Taylor Lautner or Robert Pattinson, right? And then…what?  Do they have the idea that this is going to result in a love connection.  For the few fans lucky(?) enough to shake these guys hands, or whatever they do, here’s how I see that conversation going:

Fan: “OMG!  I’ve been waiting for days! AHHH! I It’s you!!! OMG I’ve been on Team Edward the whole time, even in the second movie where you were kind of a douche.”
RPatz: “Ehhh…cool.  What is that smell?”
Fan: “OMG you’re just like a vampire with your acute sense of smell!!!  Do I smell like Bella?”
RPatz: “No, I mean, what is that foul smell?”
Fan: “Oh LOL right I’ve been sleeping out here for 4 days in the heat without a shower.  So, I guess you could say it’s the smell of my love for you.”
RPatz: “SECURITY!”
Fan: “Wait!  Wait!  I wanted to show you my Edward blanket!  Fine. I WAS TEAM JACOB ANYWAY!”

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