What is the clothing equivilant of a Snuggie?

This morning, I was hard at work online shopping (per usual), and, for once, felt absolutely no temptation to purchase an item.  This is practically unheard of, but makes sense when you take a look at said Tory Burch item:

I mean…what?

Let me break down the many ways this is wrong:

1.) This is a $450 designer caftan ghost costume with a neck hole.  So weird that this cut didn’t sell out and that it is now 50% off.

2.) As though ripped from the pages of a J. Peterman catalogue, this caftan mumu is described as “the ultimate in sun seeking chic.”  Pause and think about that.  Your body is unlikely to reach success in “sun seeking” when covered head to toe in a caftan mumu.

3.) Dry clean only? Are you fucking kidding me.  Even Jesus’s caftans robes were wash and wear.

4.) 3/4 sleeves? You know what?  If you’re going to make this ridiculous caftan Big Love costume, just commit to full coverage.  What if that 1/4 of an arm is exposed to the sun?  I’ve obviously taken Tory Burch’s fashion directive and paired this with gladiator sandals, oversized sunglasses and a delicate bracelet: the tan lines on that 1/4 arm are going to be just embarassing.  Not as embarassing as being caught wearing this, but pretty embarassing.  It’s not even a farmer’s tan, it’s like a wizard’s tan or something.  Sun faux pas.

5.) When my hetero Life Partner Nora wore her caftan snuggie in public, she at least made that shit sexy.  And she’s not even a fashion designer.

6.)  They come in size 0.  Really?  I mean from the creators of miniskirts for the morbidly obese, comes the full body camoflauge for models.

7.) And perhaps the biggest problem: wand not included.  The only way I’d rock this shit is belted, shortened and as a mandatory uniform at Hogwarts.  Watch out, Hermionie, there’s a new girl on campus and I totes have a thing for gingers.


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