How to make your legs shiny like Gwyneth’s

The easy answer to this is douse the shit out of them with baby oil, but if you’ve been reading the GOOP newsletter, you know that Gwyneth is all about organic.  Even unscented baby oil isn’t organic.

While we’re on the topic, a few words on the GOOP newsletter so we never have to talk about this again.  In addition to being the spokesperson for SLAT (Shiny Legs All the Time), Gwyneth writes this self indulgent very informative newsletter entitled GOOP, where she deals with important issues like Vitamin D deficiency, cleanses, and the proper use of the word “knackered.”  I like to figure out what acronyms mean on my own, but I really was stumped so I had to Google this one.  The results were astounding.

It doesn’t mean shit.  From the words of Ms. Paltrow-Coldplay herself: “It is a nickname, like my name is G.P., so that is really where it came
from. And I wanted it to be a word that means nothing and could mean
anything.”

Ok so we’ve dealt with that sitch: GOOP means nothing and anything.  Thanks Gwyneth.  You and Celine must have been in the same philosophy class at I Am the Most Beautiful Woman in the World in My Opinion University.

But back to the original question, which is not directly addressed in GOOP.  It’s easy enough to figure out how to make your legs shiny (again, baby oil), but in order to figure out how to make your legs GWYNETH shiny, a cross reference of the internet and GOOP is required.

Here is what this scientific research revealed.

Foods: Eating strawberries, tuna, tofu and tomatoes makes your skin shinier.  Who knew?  Gwyneth, that’s who.  When she’s not doing a weird cleanse or fast (which she likes to do a couple times a year, according to GOOP – for funsies I assume), she incorporates all of these foods into her recipe blog.  So…real shiny comes from within.

Almond oil:  Almond oil makes your legs shiny, and is way more organic and douchey sounding than baby oil.  I’m sure a lot of you would have gone straight to olive oil, but not Gwyneth!  I’m sure she also read the about.com article on massage oil options where it is clearly stated that “olive oil had no effect on epidermal barrier function.”

Sweating profusely: Ok let’s face it, both the shine and the muscular impossibility of those legs suggest that every moment of the day that GOOP isn’t sitting, she’s working out.  That shine is probably just the biproduct of her exercise labor, and another way to remind you that her life legs are better than your legs.

Thanks to Jeanne for putting us all on a quest to have GOOPy legs.

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One Response to “How to make your legs shiny like Gwyneth’s”

  1. thatisahat Says:

    I thought that goop is already a word that meant a sticky liquid/solid/somecrazycombinationofboth that is disgusting.

    I don’t think that you can declare a word new unless you have looked in the dictionary first to make sure that it doesn’t already exist.

    Love the blog btw.

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