Which is douchier?

Time for another “Which is Douchier?” Friday!  Today, we shall focus on douchey, self-important statements regarding behavior from which some people abstain.  Note: while abstaining from these behaviors isn’t inherently that douchey, parading one’s lack of time sucks and vices from a high horse by verbalizing them sure is.

Oh gawd.  Nothing quite ruins a dinner out like someone broadcasting how healthy they are, which is why “I don’t drink soda” makes me want to drown someone in fizzy water.  I mean congratufuckinglations: you gave up carbonation.  There’s never really a time that the sentence “I don’t drink soda” needs to be said.  I’ve heard it in response to “Would you like a diet coke?” when really, a normal human’s response would be “No, thank you” (or, in my opinion: “Yes, please!”). But, I’ll give it to you, apparently soda is like cancer water according to another one of my favorite self help books. 

“I don’t eat carbs” is so 1999…and so nutritionally fucked.  Ask Foamy.  It is a statement that manages to say both “I have the willpower to give up sandwiches” and “I’m creating my own food pyramid.”  You are not a nutritional world wonder: you are a douche.  “I don’t eat carbs” wins.

Although I cry bullshit that everyone in the world doesn’t get just a little happier when they hear the Rivers Cuomo/BOB single, I sort of get it.  Every time you flip through the radio, there is a good chance that you’re going to run into California Girls, or a commercial about plastic surgery (yup…radio commercial talking about the before/after….totally effective). So, while this is the slightly less douchey cousin to “I only listen to NPR,” it’s not quite as douchey as “I don’t watch TV”

You don’t watch TV?  Are you kidding me?  Do you know how awesome TV is?  Are you sure you know what a TV is?  It’s that magical box in the living room that’s kind of reflective when it’s off, but shows people that are prettier and more interesting than you (or anyone that you know) when it’s on.  What do you do if you don’t watch TV?  And YES I’ve heard of books they’re great and all, but TV!  TV takes all those pesky words from books and makes them into pictures so your brain doesn’t have to.  You fucking watch TV.  This statement is douchey, because it’s a lie.

Two worthy opponents.  You’re not on facebook?  Is this because you don’t have friends, or you don’t like people knowing that you have friends?  How the hell am I supposed to pretend I know what’s going on in your life, or shit, remember your birthday, if you don’t have a convenient page that tells me all your vital stats.  Oh, you’d rather see your friends in person?  Hey genius, you can do both.  And have you SEEN how awesome “The Social Network” trailer is? Embrace the social networking, weirdo…but not by staying on MySpace.  If you’re still on MySpace, you’re there to hook up with fellow weirdos or potentially send out annoying quizzes to the 3 other people still paying attention to MySpace.

It was a close match, but “I’m not on facebook” wins on a technicality: I can’t figure out how to delete my personal MySpace account.  Anyone?  I’ve tried and I’ve even e-mailed customer service (who I can only assume has been laid off like the rest of MySpace).


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2 Responses to “Which is douchier?”

  1. thatisahat Says:

    My Myspace account has been in limbo of being deleted for over 2 years now. They won’t let me get rid of it because I deleted the email account it was attached to. It’s like a clingy ex who holds onto your stuff just so they have an excuse to see you again…

  2. Max Says:

    I dont drink soda.

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