Are Cleveland and Cincinnati different?

Yes. 

I made my first trip to Ohio this past weekend for a wedding.  Lovely state, lovely wedding, lovely times…just lovely.  I really didn’t want to leave.  Perhaps that’s why I sabotaged any chances of getting back to California on Sunday morning.

Necessitated by work, the return flight was a Sunday-post-wedding 6AM EST gem.  Does anyone know how early that is?  Answer: It’s effing early.  I was at the airport at 4:30 AM EST…still receiving calls from friends who were still out on the west coast at 1:30 AM PST.  I was in that drunk/hungover limbo where one generally finds themself at 4:30 AM in bed struggling with the decision on whether or not to satisfy the thirst/need to pee human needs or just go back to sleep.  I, however, was at the airport – a little drunk and trying to figure out why the check in kiosk was not pulling up a reservation when I swiped my credit card. 

Giving the airport employee the “God you’re all idiots” look, I said yes, I’m SURE I’m on United, and I’m SURE it’s today, and I’m SURE it’s the 6AM flight through Chicago.  You don’t believe me?   Here’s the confirmation on my BlackBerry.  This is when the “Oh fuck, THEY’RE not all idiots, I’M an idiot” moment occurred. Yes, I was on United…yes it was today…yes it was the 6 AM flight…

No, no it was not out of Cincinnati.

Let’s take a break in this story for geography class time!  Although Cincinnati and Cleveland are both cities that begin with C in Ohio, there are many differences between the two.  I’ve highlighted a few:

Cleveland: Browns,  Cincinnati: Bangles.  Cleveland: Indians, Cincinnati: Reds.  Cleveland: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame,  Cincinnati: Chili Hall of Fame?  But perhaps the two most important differences at 4:30 AM at the Cincinnati airport: Cleveland: CLE, Cincinnati: CVG (Doesn’t that shit look like it could be CleVelandG?)…and:

And we’re back…to what is now 4:45 AM in Cincinnati.  Oh fuck:  I’m stuck in the midwest.  This airport lady who I had given attitude to is my only hope of getting home to work/keeping my job/not being homeless.  She perhaps feels a little sorry for me because of my stupidity, and the fact that I asked if I caught a cab I could make it in time for the flight (after which she showed me the map of Ohio).  Airport lady…perhaps I can just purchase at ticket for the 6AM flight from Cincinnati to Chicago and then keep the second leg of the flight from Chicago to LA?  That makes sense, right?  No.  Some form of airline regulation requires that if you cancel one leg of a flight, you cancel the whole flight. Ok…fine.  I can just re-book the whole ticket then (I suggest, my wallet cringing).  No?  The flight from Chicago is sold out?  BUT I’M ON THAT FLIGHT AND CANCELLING MY TICKET.  No?  But…wait this does not make sense.  But…ok now it’s 5 AM and my chances of homelessness are increasing.  I thought about crying…but…I think I was too dehydrated to even try it.  Oh…there’s a first class ticket available?  That sounds…expensive, but at least it’s a bigger seat? No?  Oh I see it’s not a first class ticket, it’s just PRICED as a first class ticket, but it’s in coach…which was sold out…but now it’s not, but only if I buy a first class priced ticket.  And there’s no other way to get home. I briefly considered getting an apartment for 2 months in Cincinnati (which would be about the same price), but ultimately handed over my credit card, closed my eyes and repeated “It’s just money, it’s just money, it’s just money” while the damage was done.

So: to summarize. Cleveland and Cincinnati are different.  Confusing them could cost you a first class priced coach ticket.  I will no longer be buying that Halston dress that I wanted.*

*Ok, I probably still will.

Tags: Cincinnati, Cleveland, Halston, idiot, Ohio, travel