Which is Douchier?

Introducing a new Friday special: Which is douchier?  The definitive word in finding the biggest douche in a match up of 2 douche worthy opponents.

Which is douchier: adding a “u” or changing “ize” to “ise”?

Listen: just because the world cup is on, doesn’t mean we’re all of a sudden European.  I’ll give you buying into the soccer craze for one month every four years because we buy into “politics is super interesting” for one month every four years too.  It’s what we do as ADD-ridden Americans.

What we don’t do is spell stuff like Europeans…because we’re not Europeans.  It’s for the same reason that we don’t talk in accents: it sure sounds neat-o, but it’s a big lie.  Even if soccer is your “favorite” sport at the moment, it’s not your “favourite” sport…ever.  Landon Donovan “realized” his full potential in the final moments of the Algeria game, he didn’t “realise” it.  And if you spell it “shoppe” I’m going to pronounce it “shoppy.”

So, we’ve established that using UK spellings as an American is douchey, but which spelling is the douchiest?

The winner is: adding a u!  Changing ize to ise is obnoxious, but there is nothing douchier than saying “my favourite colour is periwinkle.”  It’s taking time out of your day to add a letter where one need not exist.

Which is douchier: Entourage or The Hills?

One’s initial reaction to this might be The Hills, because it’s reality, so therefore everything those people do infiltrates the world in which we live.  I ask you to consider the alternative for the following reasons:
1.) Jeremy Piven is kind of the Douche to end all Douches.
2.) Although the scenes are clearly set up, the actual words aren’t scripted.  This allows a clear view of the effects of the deteriorating American education system.  Sociological studies are less douchey than HBO series.
3.) HBO is a paid subscription channel.  At least The Hills is basic cable, or available in full episodes on MTV.com.

The winner is: Entourage!

Which is douchier: Kobe or LeBron?

Don’t let last night’s press spectacle fool you: entering people against their will is always worse than leaving people against their will.

The winner is: Kobe!